Blaming the Victim for Being Abused

“Look at what you made me do! You are the cause of all this!  It's all your fault!”  

Believe it or not, these are some common phrases used by many of my abusers. They placed the burden of their abusive behavior on me, the victim, rather than on themselves. And this pattern continues with many abused persons even until this day.  

Over a period of time, I began to believe that I was causing my abusers to abuse me--I believed it was my fault that my father gave me a black eye at age 13 for having caused him to abuse me sexually. But he had given my mother many black eyes, and after a failed marriage to her, he gave my stepmother black eyes as well.  I believed him when he told me that I was the cause of his braiding electrical cords together to beat deep gashes into my buttocks and legs.  Yes, it was also my fault that he brutally beat and raped me.  

This is what I faced, and many abused children and adults face the same type of abusers today. Their stories all take the same familiar scenario whenever and wherever they are told. The abuser claims that the victim is causing him to abuse, and often the sexual abuse is only one part of a whole repertoire of physical abuse- the physical abuse is intimately tied into the sexual act. In reality, many therapists who study sexual abuse realize that this type of behavior is not really about sex, but rather, it is mainly about physical violence. 

Regardless of what it is connected to, the effects of abuse can last a lifetime. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, and any other forms of abuse share several commonalities: there is a tremendous amount of guilt associated with the act, so the abuser must project that guilt onto the victim; the victim then internalizes that guilt so that she has a loss of self esteem, even hatred of self for being so bad; there is often ideation of suicide; there is always a great deal of depression. It is as if the abused person is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. There can be nightmares, bedwetting, social withdrawal, lethargy, etc.  Beyond these scars of abuse, a victim sometimes becomes an abuser himself if treatment is not secured.   

As a survivor of abuse, I know that if it happened once, it will happen again, and again, and again…. You must put a stop to physical and sexual abuse of a child or and adult or that person may be permanently harmed. []
 


Jessie L.
7 /16/01