Living with AIDS

Living with HIV since 1983 has taught me a few things about life and living. What I think about, and especially what I think about myself, directly affects my health and well-being.

My background is one of violence and separation from everything real. Relationships are the only thing I believe we take with us from this human experience. As a good friend of mine always reminds me when she talks about our friends who have made their transitions to the next life, "I ain't never seen a Brinks truck behind the hearse on the way to the cemetery." I am convinced that the only real thing of importance is the love I give that lifts up our conscious awareness to the Divine. After a childhood of feeling alienated, alone and neglected emotionally by my alcoholic father and co-dependent mother, I had to ask myself where was God.

I later became my parents, addicted, and co-dependent. Twenty-seven years of active addiction brought me to my knees. I did what it took to get what I thought I needed. Covering up the pain using drugs, sex, anger, and money. I spent my time focused on what I didn't have or what I didn't get from those I thought responsible for loving me. I had learned how not to love myself from their example, which was passed on to them by their parents and the society they grew up in. It was this frame of mind that caused me to engage in careless, indiscriminate sexual behavior.

I would like to suggest to all of us including our children, to be aware of your thoughts. We do, as we believe. When I saw myself as fractured and a victim of circumstances, I could find no relief from the pain. Today by changing my focus and seeing new possibilities for living, I have found new meaning for LIFE. I have been in recovery from substance abuse since 1996 and founded a non- profit organization called Aid for AIDS Africa, responding to AIDS and the underlying perceptions of abuse. I use education and medical interventions as tools to overcome the issues of fear and denial as it exist in the African American and African communities.

The message that follows talks about many of the tools I have employed personally to overcome my issues and learn to love myself. It is a process that takes courage and a willingness to focus my attention on everything working for my good no matter what the appearances may look like. We have a choice to focus on the problems piled up around us that beg for our attention or ask ourselves, when has focusing on our problems brought relief?

No, I am not saying ignore the problem, but overcome them by focusing on the solution. The solution that has worked for me is to see myself well. Then follow God's direction through those who are focused on "Wellness." There are those among us living well with HIV in every community. We must draw them out so they can tell their stories. We can reduce and eliminate fear and stigma, learning how to love ourselves openly.

Telling my story has help me to get free from these issues, and I know it will work for anyone. You have the facts. They have made themselves plain. We know that there are those who would deny us the medical relief necessary to stop this disease, we know how much money it would cost to address this issue, we know about the lack of infrastructure in what we call developing countries. Now it is time to redirect our mindfulness. Focus on the reality we prefer to experience and allow God to develop this vision for our future. We can do this one person at a time.

Since 1998 I have traveled to Africa nine times telling the truth about my experiences visioning my way out of sickness, lack and limitation. Learning our similarities which are deep and large and learning how to connect the African communities in the US and many other countries around the world through our common desire to live with dignity. I hold this message out to you as one possible way to "keep the high watch" for signs of change for the better.

Spiritual

One of the most powerful things I have learned from those who are leading positive, productive lives is to develop a discipline of acknowledging the presence of a Life force that is responsible for all life including my own. Accepting the Gye Nyame concept at the deepest level internally, or to say it another way, at the level of my heart. No thing, opinion or idea, not even my own, can interrupt or stand in the way of my relationship with this eternal, all powerful, all knowing and present everyway Spirit I call GOD.

My personal relationship with this power has been awakened by the presence of HIV and substance abuse in my life and I was given the choice of allowing this appearance to overwhelm me by clinging to the old and familiar or accept the life that was being offered me in a new way. I chose the latter. "The thief cometh but to steal, kill and to destroy, but I (GOD) have come that you may have LIFE and LIFE more abundant." My Spiritual discipline begins each day upon my awakening with prayer and meditation. I acknowledge the presence of GOD in this new day understanding that GOD has provided every thing I need to accomplish whatever is placed in my path. This was the Truth even before I was born is my belief. I pray to think and act according to GOD's will for me. I believe the LIFE I lead is GOD as I am apart of the good God is. This in fact is the answer to the question; why God did you send me into this family with all these issue relating to a lack of love? I am the Love God sent. I have been given a way out. I am the example God is using to change my own family. Through the discipline I now practice all of my relationships have improved. Especially with my family, I am available in ways I had no idea was possible. My discipline includes reading 5 to 6 daily meditation books with a message that directly relates to some aspect of GOD's Laws or Principles like Faith, Forgiveness, Trust, Grace, Joy, and Truth to name a few. I do this before leaving my home so that my mind is stayed on HIM. It amazes me to think that I did not do this in the past and how differently I respond to life situations and people with this practice. I am better able to accept life and people for what they are with much less judgment as I am learning not to take things personally. I am learning acceptance, patience, tolerance and how to surrender to win. I am also learning how not to make assumptions and take the risk of asking questions for clarification and understanding and how to say what I mean and mean what I say by following through with commitments. I am also learning how to say No when appropriate.

Mental

I have learned from others how powerful words and thoughts are. It is, as I believe has so much more meaning for me today. I have learned to speak words of power and connect them to my life experience to build new life using the past as a footstool and fertile ground for new growth. I ask myself, "What am I believing about myself?" Affirmations such as "AS God is so AM I" and "If God is Perfect and has Perfect Health so do I." It is also important to acknowledge that anything that I Bless brings into the circumstances, situation, relationship or diagnoses the power and presence of GOD into consciousness. "I Bless" the medicines, medical support and all other means that God may be using to bring health and well being into my life experience. It is the Blessing that makes the medicines and everything else involved work. It is my belief that being apart of GOD connects me with unlimited resources and unlimited possibility. My past belief was I could only accomplish what I alone had the power and intellect to do. I can now ask for and receive help from the universe. It is written, "You have not because you ask not." Seeing from a GOD perspective is what I meditate on and visualize, asking for the next step in GOD's plan for the part I play in the BIG Picture in the Mind of GOD. Yes, I believe we all play a part in bringing the LIFE more abundant into this experience being Human. I accept my personal responsibility to do so.

Emotional

I have learned also that what I think creates or precedes what I feel. I can change what I am feeling by changing what I think. "Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind." This is the challenge. I believe challenge is anything that dares me to succeed. I have learned to ask myself "What am I feeling?" The answer to this question always brings me back to an authoring thought. I feel lonely! The authoring thought is I think I am separated from GOD and others, therefore separate from my Good, as Good only comes from God and from God through myself and others. Fear, scarcity and limitations are the great deceivers. I remain vigilant of my thoughts and feelings, practicing rethinking and replacing thoughts that come from these emotions. It is an act of Faith to Trust that God will give me a way out of such emotions` regardless of the situation, circumstance or relationship issue I may be experiencing in the moment. The Truth is, I am never alone. I am surrounded by Love even living with HIV and it is my own fear and stigmatization I must deal with first. I have trained myself to remind my self who I really am, the Child of the Most High. I remind myself of all the victories God has brought me through. I remind myself that even the idea of human death cannot separate me from the Divine Relationship I have with GOD. I practice feeling the presence of God in all my affairs. I also continue to engage the therapeutic value in helping myself by helping others through support groups for HIV and substance abuse. They remind me of who I am and where I have come from. The truth is recovery from HIV and substance abuse are available now through the shared experiences of those who have overcome these and other issues and moved on to more productive lifestyles. Treatment for substance abuse, which is a major gateway to HIV infection, must be addressed if any prevention program will have any meaningful, realistic effect in reducing the new infections in our communities.

Physical

I have been Living with HIV since 1983. I have not experienced any major opportunistic infections to date. When asked, "How do I maintain Wellness" most people expect me to tell them about medicines prescribed for HIV use in America. However, I did not use such medicines until I got an AIDS diagnoses in 1996. I only began using them at the recommendation of my doctor to maintain wellness even though there were no apparent symptoms of HIV then or now. In 1990, after admitting openly my HIV status at a recovery facility for substance abuse, I began to meet the only people who could tell me how to Live with HIV through support groups. I began to use this and other tools for the various spiritual, mental, emotional and physical issues that come from the admission of being HIV positive. A Person Living well with HIV was the solution, people who had adopted the attitude that they could Live Well in spite of the diagnoses. Not by fighting the HIV but by focusing on Wellness and creating an atmosphere for good health and healing. It was not easy, but it was the absolute best thing that could have ever happened for me. I realized I was not alone and did not need to re-invent the wheel so to speak, as these people already knew what to do and how to help each other. It worked for them and is working for me. They had learned from the concept of one addict helping another, the importance of identification and support that comes from one who knows exactly what it is like to live with either HIV or addiction. Yes, that concept applies to both situations. In 1990 I finally made the connection, it was when I learned to look at all the previously mentioned issues from a holistic point of view, seeing disease as a process that could be reversed. Wellness is what I practice. I look at how to support my own health and well-being as learned from those who came before me. I have learned to support others in a similar manner. I began to read and research what supported my spiritual, mental, emotional and physical health and began practicing these ideas to the best of my ability. Practice has caused many changes in my overall health. I immediately began to refine my relationship with God, sought help through psychiatry for my emotional and mental balance employing traditional and holistic medical approaches to healing for the physical issues related to HIV. I learned that under the right conditions the body can and will heal itself if I believe that I have a reason to live and provide the necessary support it needs to do so. The work I do came out of my reason to Live. I also learned that HIV is about managing infections. If you monitor changes in the body, you can address issues before they get out of hand with herbal treatments that are much less toxic then the medicines for HIV that were available in the past. Many of my friends died from the toxic effects of the medications and the overuse of antibiotics, which rendered them ineffective. I learned that doctors practice medicine and that with HIV and the medicines available that we could only guess what would work for many years. There are now sophisticated tests that can determine which available medicines if any will work with the particular strain an individual may be manifesting. Many like myself, are resistance to the medications currently available. However, the herbal and holistic medicines are helping my immune system to continue to function at a level where infections are less likely to overwhelm the body. The long-term effects are still being discovered. Therefore, it is important to learn one's on body and monitor changes. It is important to take charge or responsibility for one's own health and recovery. I see my doctor as a tool in a tool kit containing many solutions to a given challenge. I review the issues as they arise and address them before they become major problems, avoiding the major opportunistic infections. I have used alternative therapies since 1990 when I started to engage help from the support groups that I became apart of, and even in the face of HIV medication resistance I still remain well. Apparently, I am benefiting from both the natural therapies as well as the Western approach. So, I was living with HIV for 13 years before using the anti-retroviral drugs for HIV that so many consider a must if they are going to survive HIV infection, some even believe they cannot survive without them. My message is yes you can. You can if you believe that you can, and do what others are doing in your own community to maintain wellness even in spite of the diagnose. If the people in our communities could make a courageous stand and begin to teach each other practical ways of support, many more people would live and become the voice necessary to communicate what is needed to prevent those who are not infected by supporting those who are. There are communities in Africa who have learned to use the natural healers more effectively and those who are using food as medicine.

A recent visit to the Manprom Research Center in Ghana revealed a real need to coordinate and communicate more effectively what is working through the natural healers as it relates to specific remedies for HIV and other related illnesses. We suggested that the analysis being made as to what works should be developed with the help of local nutritionist into a diet for people with compromised immune systems to prevent the most common opportunistic infections. Focusing on the solution can prevent most from becoming overwhelmed and at a fraction of the cost of conventional medicines. I mentioned to the staff at hand that I know of such programs in other African nations who are doing quite well using "Food as Medicine." My diet has certainly made a difference as well as the herbs and supplements I have used in the last 15 years. Some of these are:

Ginger Ginkgo Biloba, Echinacea Astragalus, Garlic, Goldenseal, Grapefruit seed extract, Grape seed extract, Ginseng, Fish Oil, Dong Quai FOS Flax seed oil, Green tea, Lactobacillus, Acidophilus, Licorice, Milk thistle, N-acetyl-l-cysteine (NAC), Saw Palmetto, Selenium, Tea Tree Oil, St John' Wart, Muti- Vitamins Vitamin C.

Regular Exercise is a must for people living with HIV--I walk regularly around a lake near my home. We do it as a health walk to support those with HIV and those who are not. It is a forum to ask and answer questions and give information as well.

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