BLACK DISABLED MALES AND HAVING A RELATIONSHIP?

--Gary Speaks--

Disabled Black men long to be wanted and loved like any other person. Black disabled males have to go through a very different set of rules and morals when it concerns to their own sexuality. These include American societal morals, black women's views of disability, and the disabled community's views of race.

We are the first (1950-1960) group of disabled folk who have become socially visible in this country, so it became only natural to start requesting and demanding the same rights as our able-bodied counterparts. We are the first group to demand reproductive rights and the right to keep our natural-born children. Until 1981 many disabled parents were not allowed to keep their children. So we are making progress. Progress is being made but more needs to be done.

This is evident in the movies, music, television, and books. The Black disabled male is still being portrayed as the trusty sidekick who has no sexual desires at all; the one who can and will take you through thick and thin; the one who went to bed alone with a smile on his face. What kind of message is that sending to other younger disabled Black males?

These examples can be seen from the very first Black disabled character in Porgy and Bess to Boys in the Hood, The Waterdance, Becker, A Patch of Blue, The Roy Campellia Story and finally, The Bone Collector.

Disabled White male characters in movies fall in love and get the woman--The Waterdance, Dark Angel, and My Left Foot. In all of these examples, a relationship is very shaky at that time and it is not known whether it can stand the test of time, but, at least, the disabled are getting a taste of what love is, whereas the Black disabled male never even gets into the door, let alone kisses the girl.

Like my friend Leroy Moore says, "We are on the outskirts of both worlds, yet not accepted by either one."  This has to change for the disabled to ever have relationships.

The Economic Status of Disabled African American Males is this: fifteen percent are working, without any governmental assistance; 65 % are on some kind of governmental assistance; 15 % are working part-time, with governmental assistance; and five percent are just struggling on the streets day to day, trying to live. So the bulk of Black Disabled Males are at or near the poverty line, and for them dating is not a priority, but they do have sexual desires that need to be fulfilled.

Most Black Disabled males are at a lower economic status, thus less attractive to most African American  women. The dating scene can be very demanding, and that creates great demand on the cash flow for the disabled. Being on a fixed income means that you're on a fixed dating schedule. So you have to come up with different dating ideas, like making dinner at home, going to free concerts, readings, walks and outings to the beach or park.

We have to be imaginative and creative, for example, having a day making things for each other. These are all free or low cost. One out of every ten Black Disabled males get a BA, and half of those go on to get their MA's. So the educational level is lower than African American women , which presents a minor roadblock.

Also, the modern American value system of beauty  currently excludes the disabled. African American women like to look at Billy Dee Williams, and we all know that riding in a wheelchair is nothing like the smiling Mr. Williams.

Black Disabled men have to fight the stereotype of the super-sex Negro. What do I mean by this? The large phallus stereotypes are, in reality, seldom found even on able-bodied Black men. This myth came from the slave trading times, and it's still with us today--the myth of the Black male's sexual prowess is  interesting conversation, but little more. 

In Male Sexuality, by Bernie Zilbergeld, there is this statement: "Older men and men with serious illness or injuries are often concerned about the effects of aging or physical disability on their sexual expression"  This is the attitude of most people who write about sexuality and the disabled. Dr. Zilbergeld's book was published in 1981.  Even the title of the chapter on disabled men is less desirable, be it Black or White disabled males: Males Sexuality and Medical Conditions says that disabled males are ill or sick and should be put into a special category. Thus, people create problems that maybe do not exist by placing physiological barriers to the disabled sexuality.

Physical barriers do exist--the wheelchair can be one of them, and having a speech impediment will harm your ability to talk to people. One has to be very assertive to get hugs, and your partner has to be open to doing it. People who do not express themselves well will have trouble.

Dr. Zilbergold did point out that disabled males have the ability to communicate better to their partners about their sexual needs much more than their able-bodied male counterparts do. I personally think it's because we have had to tell people all of our lives what we need
and what we want; so when it comes to a relationship in the bedroom, talking comes much easier because the disabled have acquired the skills at a younger age.

PLAYING THE IF GAME
Peoples attitude
If I could walk
If I were younger
If I were white
If I could control his body fluid functions
If I had larger penis
If I could make love longer
If I had more money

A lot of disabled folk get caught playing this game. Nobody can or ever will be perfect. You just have to find a person who is willing to accept you as are. But in turn, you have to accept the person you're dating too; compromise is the essence of any relationship. We all have a wish list, but you just have to live life as it is and make the best of what you have and what you need. The "what if" game will leave you helpless, lonely, and
frustrated. []
Commentary by
Gary Norris Gray