Reading a new article on disability and sexuality made me think about my life and the lives of other African Americans with disabilities. On the Internet there is a new web site called THE DISABLED GRAPEVINE. This site discusses everything from owning a house, finding a doctor who understands certain disabilities, the disabled dating scene, and how to relate to your non-disabled parents.

This article made me think about a lot about how young African American women have reacted to me when I started to be interested in them.  I reflected on my younger days and how females responded to me when I made advances.

Most women backed away confused, saying that we were only friends. Other females would just walk away never to speak to me again. Then there are the special ones, the ones that hung in there with me and created a wonderful relationship as friends.

I want to tell you a story about these two dates to the same place The Oakland Alameda County Coliseum.  This is an example of how African American women are shutting out African American Disabled men. On this date one woman was an Asian American the other an African American. Both dates would be a night with the Golden State Warriors Basketball team.  The African American woman did not ask if I needed any help financially to get the tickets; she did not ask if we were going to bring food; she did not ask how we were going to get there.

I had to make every arrangement for this date. I did not hear from this very beautiful African American woman until the day of the game. Lucky for her, I had planned everything, including the food. She just went to the game; she just ordered food, and when the game was over, she went home. She had a wonderful time and just said goodbye. Not even a thank you for anything.

I met with this Beautiful African American woman a few days later. She stated that I was supposed to do that for a woman. She did not ask if I could financially afford this date or offered to help. Now mind you, I had the money at the time to make that date, but for her to assume that I would be taking care of everything that night was a very big assumption on her part.

The questions in my mind were these: Are you afraid of me? Are you afraid that you might have to help me in some way or form?  Yes, some disabled individuals need help in simple tasks; it does not hurt to ask

My second date to Oakland with an Asian American woman who happen to be completely different. She called me to ask about seats; she called me about the wheelchair seated sections at the Coliseum; she ask how would I be traveling to get there and if she could help in any way. This woman offered to pay half price for everything. This wonderful person brought food for us to eat after we finished the hot dogs and popcorn, and she called the day before the game to create a meeting point for us, if we missed each other in Oakland.

At the end of the date, she thanked me and asked me if we could do this again, saying, “I really enjoyed this night.” We are still friends 20 years later.

These positive and negative images will stay with me the rest of my life. I did not understand then, but now I’ve learned to understand: most Americans are not taught about how disabled people live, love, or work, so most women do not know or want to know about this community. As they say, ignorance is bliss, but for the disabled it’s a nightmare.

It is a shame that our American culture positions most disabled young African Americans behind the eight ball when it comes to sex love, and relationships. They only give you the physical aspects of sex and not the mental guise of love. Schools, teachers, doctors, and parents do not know what to do or what to say to these young maturing disabled males.

 Anybody can have sex; YES PEOPLE, even the disabled. That’s the easy part, but how many of us communicate, articulate, and become mature about our sexual relationships; how many can be wonderful and loving fathers and mothers; how many disabled partners can communicate their special needs to their loved ones?

Our culture does not want people with disabilities to be sexually active. The African American disabled do not get any information about sex until we attend college, if then. I hate to say it, but in our Black culture it is taboo to discuss this subject. Or, at least, when I was growing up it was a silent issue.

 Many other Disabled African Americans do not attend college, so these individuals end up getting very important information from the streets. Not knowing who that love partner is or where they have been could be potentially life threatening. It is time to stop playing this awful game of denial. This small group (disabled African American males) may often end up in a very dysfunctional relationship. Not because they want to, but because they were not taught by parents, doctors, teachers, or siblings what a relationship is about. Everybody has to acquire skills in relationships. The disabled sometimes are never given a chance to try these skills, so they don’t know what to do.

The American public is still very afraid of the unknown and that simple fact becomes two fold in the African American Community. How do you explain making love to a disabled young adult? A young adult that cannot perform as other young adults is fearful. This fear is transferred to non-disabled young adults so they don’t even try to have relationships for the fear of being rejected. They don’t have the skills or imagination to think of other ways to please their partner. So they get left out of the love game.

Trust me on this subject; I’ve been rejected many times. The facts speak for themselves: in the American Journal of Medicine, March 1995 issue: 70 percent of African American disabled males had their first sexual encounter with a prostitute. Think about this: one of the most important days of your life and you’re spending it with a stranger. You are sharing a very special part of yourself with somebody you don’t even know. Yes, White disabled males are doing the same thing but at a much lower rate,  40%,  almost half. White disabled males are more likely to find a mate in college unlike Black disabled males.

The time when most young people are sexually active (college life) the black disabled male has the door shut on him. Many young African American women are not looking for Black disabled men as their mates. Why? Because most African American disabled men are on a fixed income. This fact will not change anytime soon.

Many Black women need to know that they will be taken care of financially, just ask our non-disabled brothers.  Hey, don’t get me wrong, I understand and respect this, but my sisters, you might be missing out on a very fine thoughtful, loving, and caring disabled brother. Brothers that will treat you like a Nubian Queen.

Others think that disabled brothers cannot make it right in the bedroom. How do they know? Have they ever asked a disabled brother about this topic? I don’t think so.  Most of my Nubian sisters have a very closed mind when it comes to this very important subject. So these are just some reasons why 90 % of Disabled African American men are not in any relationship, be it gay or straight.

IMAGE seems to be the key to this sad fact. African Americans have strong images of what a soul mate should and should not be; thus the Disabled Black male has to address this issue time and time again. Some White and Asian females don’t seem to have this standard or the standard is not as high as in the African American community.

The issue of self worth and self-love can be either uplifting or very destructive. For African American Disabled men, this is the biggest problem. We live in a white society with white values, so disabled black self esteem is very low. How can you love somebody when you don’t even love yourself?

Movies make a classic example of this fact ‘THE WATERDANCE’ Wesley Snipe’s character is what America view and want to view in disabled African American males. The Snipes character is in the rehabilitation center after an accident, and he is paralyzed from the waist down. His roommate next to him is white and disabled too. The Snipes character is married with a little daughter. He becomes a drunk, stays out all night; he is the one the city police know, and he breaks all of the rehab centers rules. His marriage is coming to an end and he is left alone. Near the end the Snipes character finally wants to commit suicide. (He does not follow through) While the white disabled writer has a girlfriend (Helen Hunt) she comes to visit him almost every night, and they even have a midnight sexual encounter in the rehab center. This couple broke the rules but everybody thought it was funny and cute. When the white character moves out of the rehab center he moves in with his girlfriend. Black disabled negative image, white disabled positive image. This is what African American disabled men are fighting every day in this country.

In the Movie BOYZ IN THE HOOD everybody had a female friend, except the disabled character. My brother Reggie Green (A real living quad) never finds a love interest he’s just with the BOYZ.   Most Disabled African Americans are the other sex’s best friend rather then lover. Disabled African American men are wonderful at giving advice to others, giving advice on how others should conduct their sexual lives while being void of their own sexual relationship. These men are safe, not a sexual threat, and most African American women feel safe with them; they will say and do anything with disabled men because they are only seen as friends and could never be a love interest. WHY?

Disabled African American males are in a double bind. Most African Americans do not look at the disabled as potential sexual partners no matter how good-looking, how strong, how smart, or wealthy they might be. The non-disabled female/male are asking, “Do I have to change my sexual style for him/her? When he/she cannot walk, when his/her arms can’t hold me the way I want to be held; when he/she cannot hold a decent job?  Can this disabled person financially support me the rest of my natural life? ”

A number of disabled individuals refuse to date disabled people, citing that it would be a step down. Some disabled individuals do not want to look at each other, even though they might have gone through similar experiences in life.

MOVING UP, MAKING IT, call it what you will, some Asian American women want to date only white males, like some African American men only date white women, and moving into the American ruling classes, thus losing their own identity, the disabled are copying non disabled brothers and sisters by not dating other disabled potential partners.

“TRYING TO MAKE IT” like many abled-bodied African Americans try to make it in this white society.  This attitude can be traced directly to the White American Slave masters 160 years ago. Killing disabled children that were born to their female slaves. They were useless because they could not work in the mansion or out in the field. These attitudes still exist today. This negative attitude can be found today in the American work force. It’s that poor attitude that beats down the Black Disabled’s self image and without positive self-image, one cannot have a strong relationship with anybody.

DOUBLE BIND
White Americans are scared of some disabled individuals because we are African American men. If you are a large, strong, disabled male, you are most likely to be physically restrained. Unlike your white disabled counter part who may be given another chance for the same emotional outburst. If you are a disabled Black male with major emotional problems, you are twice as likely to be placed in a rest home. Disabled White males again get a second chance most of the time in America. This fact separates the Black disabled from society and a healthy sex life.

White disabled males are more likely to attain counseling for personal problems, unlike African American disabled men. The Black disabled male does not have the same networking system of white disabled men, so he is left out in the cold. The Black disabled male somehow, someway, makes it, time and time again.

BLACK DISABLED MEN GET UP OFF THE FLOOR EVERY TIME. Just as his Black non-disabled counter part.

So as my friend said, “We are on the outskirts of both worlds not being accepted by either one”. This is a major problem for a lot of Disabled African American Males and the disabled community made the choice 10-15 years ago to ignore this intimate and very personal problem. 

You have to be happy and healthy to have a complete relationship, a relationship with a good, solid mind, body, and soul. WHEN WILL THIS QUESTION BE ANSWERED?